Hey Simon,
how was christmas?
i'm writing you this because i'm not in a fantastic place right now.
I will be fine, but i need a distraction right now and i thought about writing you..i hope it's ok. Please tell me if it isn't.
Christmas went well, it always kind of does (the last couple of years)..but i always try to be aware of the fall back i get after it... which is now.
i feel so anxious about my life, just everything. You know how that goes, (thoughts) it's 1 step, 2 steps ..EVERYTHING is wrong.
I already feel a bit better.. i can even laugh a bit..
I'm just afraid of life. I'm fucking 29 and what do i have? Not the love i desire, not the job i desire, not the life i desire. And yes, i know life is more than just that!!!
But I feel so worthless. My grandma maybe has cancer.
I don't know how to live my life. I don't know how to feel and at the same time express myself sometimes. My mother feels like she is MY child so often. But i want to be a child myself. Just cry ..cry real hard and know that it is ok if i do. Not even the: "it will all be ok in a sec". Just cry and feel free. You know what i mean. My father doesn't know 'how to ' with almost everything, but i am working on it with him. He can be sweet.
But i miss that warmth in my heart and thoughts..
makes me want to scream and do bad stuff to myself and scream for attention..
(zucht)
I feel a lot better now.
Thank you Simon.