Hey Simon,
I've been feeling bad for the past couple of days. Well, with ups and downs. But today was just really bad. There are so many terrible things going through my mind. Sometimes it makes me want to hit it out of myself. Feels like i'm going insane..and then i think of all the things i taught myself to cope. It still helps. But i can't stand the fact that these depressions keep coming back. I don't have the energy anymore to fight it.. I fucking hate my own life. Sorry if this all sounds so black and white. But sometimes it helps to actually say or write those things down. Feelings become more real and i don't have to pretend that everything is fine.
I can't fake smiles anymore. And tomorrow i have to.. at a New Year's reception. I'm just so tired that I want to sleep all day. Sleep, and don't wake up, because when i wake up i hate myself for sleeping so much.
And I miss "I". Haven't spoken to him yet since he left the group. I think we are both too afraid...He is everything i love in a man. He is sweet, sensitive, handsome, creative etc..and a bit of a snob lol. We would totally work in a love relationship. He has it all, but it scares me so much to open up to someone. I just can't do it anymore. But I often daydream about kissing him softly somewhere in a park on a sunny day with a nice breeze.
But i don't have butterflies in my stomach. And he is not doing it for me sexually. But i never had that with any of the relationships i started. It always came later.
Writing this blog really helps me feeling better. Don't know how i will feel later this evening, but right now i'm a bit better.
Thanks Simon.