Mr. Blank!

Congratulations Mr. Blank!

You have "feelings".

But wait, I thought you said you killed them all, didn't you?
Oh no, you're right..
"Reason" did.
Along with "Sugar", "Spice" and everything "Nice".

But who needs "feelings" anyway. You already know how to behave, right?
...
But what's that now?
You don't know how to behave like you really are?
You want yourself back because somebody or something made you lose yourself?
It was your girlfriend?
She took "feelings" with her when she left?
…
But my dear Mr. Blank, don't you remember?

She didn't take it.

YOU are the one that put it in her suitcase when she left.

...
I guess you also don't remember that she never took the suitcase with her.

Well, in that case, maybe we should look for that suitcase?
Wait, let's make a game of it!
The first one who finds it is the winner.
Yeah, it will be fun!

Ready, Get set.. Go!
Is it in the kitchen?
..
The bedroom?
...
Did you check the backyard already?
....
Yes! Yes, I see something in the backyard!
But wait, what is that?..
.....
Is that your GF?
Is that the rapist, oh sorry, I mean therapist?

No, it is in fact the suitcase!

Because your GF never left Mr. Blank...
Your "EX" did.

In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.
‪Acknowledge the chaos‬..
and dance, Mr. Blank.
Dance, my star.

But remember..
Three strikes
and you're out.

I'm throwing the ball to you...


..Did you catch it?

Sometimes..

Good evening Simon,

If it's ok with you..
I want to share some of my feelings.

"Michael, why didn't you stay?"
It's a line that Stevie Wonder sang at the Michael Jackson Memorial in 2009.
When i feel terrible (like righ now) and i feel like SHing i listen to Stevie Wonder singing "I'd never dreamed you'd leave in summer." And i cry. I cry a river. It really helps.

Sometimes i feel so terribly alone.

I have the day off tomorrow. And lately i feel like never leaving the bed. But i always do. I'm stronger than i think i am.

I'll be fine, but sometimes i just want to pack my bag and leave. Leave my house, my family, my friends..my life. And start a new life somewhere in Russia or America or Canada.

Yes. Canada. And make movies and become happy and forget..

I just want to forget.. i guess.

Thank you for listening Simon.
You are a good friend. You always are.

Question and answer .

Hey Simon,
Last week I got a very interesting PM with a few questions from someone on YouTube. And there was one question that i get a lot, but this time i wrote something else back...

"Do you think that there are real answers so that the disorder (BPD) can be fixed in a person?"

"I don't see it that way. But I do think it starts with something like this: You have a room with a book-closet. But someone stole your books. Now what to do with that closet? You look around but you can't think straight because it's such a mess in your room. So you start cleaning and picking things up.. Now where to leave all that stuff? So you put it in the closet just for now. You keep cleaning..and when you are done.. you turn around to face the closet and you see that the book-closet has got a new purpose.."

Thanks for listening Simon.

These depressions keep coming back

Hey Simon,
I've been feeling bad for the past couple of days. Well, with ups and downs. But today was just really bad. There are so many terrible things going through my mind. Sometimes it makes me want to hit it out of myself. Feels like i'm going insane..and then i think of all the things i taught myself to cope. It still helps. But i can't stand the fact that these depressions keep coming back. I don't have the energy anymore to fight it.. I fucking hate my own life. Sorry if this all sounds so black and white. But sometimes it helps to actually say or write those things down. Feelings become more real and i don't have to pretend that everything is fine.

I can't fake smiles anymore. And tomorrow i have to.. at a New Year's reception. I'm just so tired that I want to sleep all day. Sleep, and don't wake up, because when i wake up i hate myself for sleeping so much.

And I miss "I". Haven't spoken to him yet since he left the group. I think we are both too afraid...He is everything i love in a man. He is sweet, sensitive, handsome, creative etc..and a bit of a snob lol. We would totally work in a love relationship. He has it all, but it scares me so much to open up to someone. I just can't do it anymore. But I often daydream about kissing him softly somewhere in a park on a sunny day with a nice breeze.
But i don't have butterflies in my stomach. And he is not doing it for me sexually. But i never had that with any of the relationships i started. It always came later.

Writing this blog really helps me feeling better. Don't know how i will feel later this evening, but right now i'm a bit better.
Thanks Simon.